The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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