i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
