I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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