Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
