I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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