about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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