Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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