Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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