Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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