you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
