My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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