Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
