I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
