Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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