Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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