More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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