I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
