You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
