??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize