someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
