my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
they need to just BURY HIM!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
