3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
