i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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