I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
