Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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