I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
this will be a night to untag.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
