Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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