He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize