this beer tastes like vomit already
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
