"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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