just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
