I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
