i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
