I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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