I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just pee around me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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