so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
