Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
