All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i think my cat just said my name.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
