i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
