I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
