I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
