Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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