Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
