Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
