Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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