So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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