Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
