I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
