Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
