the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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