My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
