i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
