This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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