Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
