So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
