On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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