I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
