My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
