Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize