Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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