So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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